Grumpy's Downtown ***2.5/5 stars

I was not particularly excited for brunch this morning. I had expected the bar would smell like bleach and that stank of sour beer that you just can't wash out of a place with so much history. I was afraid that the smell might interfere with my ability to swallow some greasy, deep-fried bar breakfast. Hey, I'm not knocking dive bar breakfast, but you definitely have to be in the mood for it. I wasn't. But my friend Matt was waiting for me to review his favorite neighborhood haunt. And I am a man of my word.

We enter through the back, and before I know what's happened, I've been wrapped in a dark, warm, blanket surrounded by neon signs and a shrine of liquor bottles. No olfactory offense. All my reservations fade away. I am home.

First things first. Bloody marys. Patty makes the bomb bloody mary. Spicy, salty, sour...save your life kind of stuff. He uses brine from his very own pickled bean recipe. NOTE - They don't serve these at NE Grumpy's. Downtown only.

 

This menu is really not f-ing around. Hungry, burly men (and women) come here to get down. Specifically to get down six pancakes, six sausages and 6oz. of maple syrup if you order the #666. I modified it to a #333. The menu is otherwise pretty heavily influenced by the southwest and mexico. Breakfast Nachos being one of the items that gave me a good chuckle, as well as the Breakfast Skins - yup it's potato skins with eggs in them. Come on, this is soooo what I expected from this place!

Professionally lit by DP's Flashlight Ap

I feel like I've let down the proud women that came before me and conqured this full meal. But it's damn tasty. The pancakes were a little under-done in spots, but who the hell cares? Not me. I've moved on to the champagne of beers and orange juice. Ladies and gentle men: the beermosa.

The Chilango, which we lovingly refer to as Chilango Unchained, is chorizo, eggs, peppers and all that jazz. "Straight out of Mexico City. Kind of." You can get it veggie style with some really great faux sausage. Grumpy actually accommodates meatless meals. Impressive.

This gut bomb is the Carnivore's burrito. "Stuffed with meat, meat and more meat, tots, eggs and cheese. We'll even put some grapes on the plate." 
Well, shit!

Professionally lit by Matt Sharma's Flashlight Ap

And, of course, the Breakfast Quesadilla. A denver omelett served in a tortilla. So brill.

I can't believe it. I never thought in a million years that this grungy, mpls downtown staple with no more than adequate bar food could win my brunch love. Thanks to Patty the bartender, Al, DP, and B for providing sweet company. And thanks, especially, to "Metal" Matt Sharma for proving that Grumpy's is my happy place.

Cafeteria (and support group) **2/5 stars

Is Uptown cool anymore? Some of you might be scoffing at the fact that I even asked that question. Okay, so my over-30, inner-city-dwelling self just can't identify with the Uptown scene these days. I mean, the Calhoun Square sector, specifically. The fact of the matter is, Figlio's gone, the Uptown bar is gone, Sushi Tango switched sides and nothing makes sense anymore. The heart of Uptown has been over-ridden with suburban tourists and kids who think Jagermeister is a fine liquor.

D-Bag T-shirt in Cooper Black

Now let's talk about what we came here to talk about. Poised in the middle of what I lovingly refer to as D-Bag central, sits Cafeteria. A sort of plasticy/mod diner, kinda Jetsons futuristic, but all in all a very confusing theme. Can I say I was somewhat disappointed that this place is actually nothing like a cafeteria. You don't order from a line, you don't eat off of plastic plates, and the lunch lady doesn't give you the evil eye stare-down from behind the counter. And what the crap does "support group" mean? I really don't want to feel like I'm going to an AA meeting the morning after, when I should probably be going to an AA meeting.

The plates on the wall are pretty cool. But they do give me bad flashbacks to the High School cafeteria...and the many ways you can re-use and re-combine hot dogs, ground beef and tater tots to make "new" meals.

 

So the menu isn't bad. Pretty standard breakfast and lunch items. I don't see "Italian Dunkers" or "Mr. Rib on bun".

Mrs. Butterworth's says, "Stop staring at the manly cheerleader on the menu. She's taken."

 Probably the best thing about this place is the bloody bar...

 

Hello darkness, my old friend.

 

Brunchetizer™ banana bread.  Second best thing about this place. Good thing we ordered it, too, because our food took an hour to arrive. We passed the time enduring a variety of light-rock classics. Hotel California before noon on a Sunday? Click, click, boom.

 

She barely got that bread down...buck up, Nicole! "Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you..."

The food, when it finally arrived, thank jesus, did not taste like government-subsidized garbage. It was, however, less than warm, but we needed carbs to revive our spirit, so we dug in. 

This was called the hangover cure or something like that. If Trevor had as many "creative" after-midnight-Jennifer's birthday shots as I did, he needed this...

 

Jen, freak of nature that she is, gets up at 6 the morning after her birthday. So she went for the tuna melt on "homemade" cheddar biscuits. The tuna had a crap ton of mayo in it, which turned me off.

 

This is the Norwegian benedict with salmon and spinach. Pretty, but cold, like Megan Fox.

 

 

And the mexi breakfast, chilaquiles. I'd had this here another time and it was way better and way warmer. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone I've been here more than once...

 

I know I'm old and crabby, but I don't like cold breakfast or slow breakfast or breakfast in a place that confuses me. But we put on our best duck face and made the best of it. Maybe partying will help?