Umami ***3.3/5 stars

brunch  brənCH/  noun

1. a late morning meal eaten instead of breakfast and lunch.

Brunch, to me, has almost always meant traditional American breakfast fare: eggs, cakes, meats, breads, that sort of thing. Save for the occasional (most likely hormonal) morning cheeseburger craving, eggs are always on my mind. Well, by definition, brunch is simply a meal that replaces breakfast and lunch, so when Mark informed me that Travail's Umami was doing a dim sum brunch, I was like, hells yeah, let's do it.

My lovely crew of brunch-a-holics.

Nestled in a crappy little strip mall in North next to a little Caesars and a Dollar Store, Umami is nothing close to ordinary. This way...

The entrance is a partially dry-walled chalk board graffiti installation.

The inside is full of color and energy.  A long shared table occupies most of the space. Your check hangs from the ceiling above you. The kitchen is bright and open and full of sexy chefs (I'm serious, ladies and gays - there is some major man meat up in this place). Note: due to the nature of the dim sum dishes, it's best to go in pairs, bring someone with whom you won't mind sharing your dishes.

The first strange thing about this brunch is that they tried to incorporate traditional beverages like mimosas and bloodies, yet they do not have coffee. My mimosa didn't go well with my kimchi. Yeah, there's no better way to make your stomach scream WTF than shoveling a large bite of this rancid stuff into your mouth first thing in the morning. Yeah, I was not aware that the first small dishes laid before us were palette cleansers and garnishes, not starter salads. Dorothy, we are not in Kansas anymore...

And then we were saved by something familiar! Soft, salty ramen with pork belly and green onion egg thingy. I could eat this for breakfast every day if I had to.

The dishes, delivered by cart in true dim sum fashion, came slowly at first. We were hungry and slightly confused, slamming down our ramen and these little sausage rolls.

Then all of a sudden they were coming in droves... beef tenderlion, egg and avacado, chicken legs, and dumplings...

Then, this dude came out and carefully prepared fresh Hamachi spring rolls for us... Raw fish in the morning: another first.

So pretty.

There was more and more and more. Like this lovely bowl of roasted brussel sprouts with golden raisins.

And a shrimp egg cake thingy... Eggs! Yes!

We tasted many more dishes, but let's get to the dessert, which I deemed the best part. I was craving some sweetness after that mass slaughter of savory. They delivered: house made ginger ice cream in a waffle cone with a variety of toppings, like marshmallow, which they toasted at the table.

OH, and there was cookie dough in the bottom. Score.

Don't drop acid before you come here.

So, to "sum" it all up, *groan*, dim sum in the morning is not my idea of breakfast or brunch. My stomach was not happy for a good portion of the day. Others in my group LOVED it and gave it 4+ stars (we average out at 3.3), but I'd say save Umami for dinner. It's the same menu. Super fun, adventurous food in a super fun, adventurous place, if you're brave enough to traverse west broadway at night for a mouth full of kimchi. Go get sum.

Liquor Lyles **2/5 stars

I don't know. This is the worst rating I've ever given and it just doesn't seem right, because Lyle's is so dear to my heart. But they effed up my bacon and I'm pissed.

So why do we love Lyle's? Is it the fantastic sparkly red booths? The colorful clientelle? The smell of stale beer and bleach in the morning? 

NO! IT'S THE MUTHA EFFIN TWO FOR ONES! Dos por uno! All day long, son. Well, almost. I think they take a break between 6 and 9pm due to MPLS city law. Offering 2'fers all day would just ruin society. These bloodies are Worcestershire-laden legends. They tell the story of brunches past when we would roll in at noon and roll out at 4pm with squinty eyes and fuzzy brains. Yes, Lyle's can be a trap. And by trap, I mean a magical place where time stands still and the drinks keep on comin.

Even though I don't really want to, let's talk about the breakfast food. This is about as basic as it gets. Pick a meat to go with your eggs and call it a day. The potatoes obrien are good enough that they almost make up for the fact that they're not hashbrowns. AND your breakfast entree comes with, you guessed it, a breakfast beverage of your choice. 

You can't tell from the photo, but that bacon was WAY over done. Criminal.

Nicki got the quesadilla. Exciting, I know...

Let's have another round!

 

3 drinks + some crusty bacon = $12.58. Not bad.

One of these cold winter days, hole up at Lyle's and forget life for a while. That's an order.

Longfellow Grill ***3/5 stars

Oh, good morning! Yeah, it's morning somewhere, you jerk. Welcome to Longfellow Grill, a place where weekdays are tolerable, because happy hour starts at 8am.

Still, there's something odd about this place that I can't put my finger on. It might be the overtly family-friendly atmosphere. Kinda feels like a classier version of Perkins. Don't get me wrong. I'm completely okay with that. Perkins 2 Eggs Combo breakfast platter has a special place in my heart. A special drunken college kid at 3am kind of place. Followed closely by Bitchen Kitchen's Denver Omelette.

This might be my first Bad Eggs brunch that happened on a Friday morning. And what a glorious morning it was. I was escorted by Nicki squared, which was cool cuz "other" Nicky hustles plates there on a semi-regular basis.

Cheers-ing to happy hour.

AWESOME bloody

The menu is pretty substantial...hashes, omelettes, frittatas, benny's, mexican stuff and sweet stuff. No Chicken Fried Steak, but whaddarya gonna do? I'd love to tell you we tried everything, but since the wonder twins ordered the same thing, you get to hear about two dishes. The Famer's breakfast...which is basic: hashbrowns, scrambies, Tilamook and caramelized onions.

And the meatloaf hash. Meat and loaf are two words I typically don't like to put together, but when married with two over easy and smothered with hollandaise, magic happens.

Surprise! Pumpkin waffles Brunchitizer™! Oh, look, there's some bacon, too!

The conversation turned to plans for the evening. Rumor was that Prince was hosting a PJ party at Paisely. We ordered another screw driver and looked up his new video online. Terrible. But it's Prince, so we forgive him. Later we would discover the trials and tribulations of a 5am Prince concert. Breakfast can wait, and so can all y'all bitches! I'm getting too old for that sh*t, but it was pretty awesome.

Prince is looking more like a teenage girl every day.

 I'll take you out with a couple more...

The spaceous patio.

The award wall.

Dickhead.

Republic ***3.5/5 stars

Oh, the memories. I vaguely recall many a night in my 20s, hanging with a crew at what was formerly the Independent, drinking Shark Tanks (a bowl of cheap vodka floated with grenadine "blood" and a rubber shark toy...steal THAT, Johnny Michaels) and blacking out. So now Republic has slid in to replace the slimy co-ed bathrooms of the independent with some more classy pee-less seats.

Gluten-worshiping beer nerds rejoice. Republic has an extensive craft beer list. I tried to order a "light" beer once and was met with eyes of horror. (It's okay, I'm used to it. In fact, I often like to go to places that boast elite draught selections and order a Coors Light in a can. Often, I am awarded that option, to the dismay of many, but not here.)

Menu's got good stuff. Love me a classic brunch menu with all the staples: fritattas, omelettes, rancheros, biscuits and gravy, steak and eggs... Ya notice the $5 bloody bar banner? Yup. It's a good one.

The house mix is probably one of the best I've had in town. Tomato, horseradish and spices, with a kick (not too hard). The condiments are well cared for, unlike other bloody bars I've seen, where it looks like the garnish tray has been attacked by ravenous beasts, tearing their way through the piles of meat and cheese and olives, like it's their last hope for survival (okay, I've been there). Never fear. If you're too lazy to make your own, the bartender will graciously make one for you, but then you don't get the loaded life-giving skewer. You could basically survive armageddon with this bloody bar. I exaggerate, as everybody knows Ike's bloodies are the real "meal in a glass".

The mimosas are $5, too, and gigantic. Nicki made this nice cheese barbell.

On to the food. I got the walleye benny, cuz I'm a sucker for fish bennies. It's a new favorite for sure. Eggs: runny. Cakes: salty and tender. Spinach: perfectly wilted. Browns: crispy.

Nick veered off course from her usual "eggs your way" and got the juevos. Beautiful presentation and excellent flavor. Bravo. That fringe purse is getting famous...

 Clean plate club!

The dining area is huge here. Bring all your friends. Bring your extended family. Bring your kickball team. Hell, this place could probably accommodate the zombie pub crawl. Bet they'd wreck that bloody bar...jerks.

Well, brunch is over. Time to go buy a hookah.

Victor's 1959 Cafe ***3/5 stars

I had to ask for help on this one. My to-brunch list was running low and my parents were coming into town. I reached out on the Facebooks and found out that people get pretty passionate about their brunch. I mean, of course, so do I. I got some suggestions for places in St. Paul with cheap and veritably endless boozy drinks. Not really my parent's bag. My professional drinking team and I will get to those soon. When someone did mention a better, more rents-friendly alternative, Victor's Cuban Cafe, I perked up. Others jumped right in to argue that it's always too crowded and not that impressive, but I believe otherwise. Let me tell ya why...

So, this place is like, totes adorbs. A small, ramshackle building nestled in the quickly gentrifying Kingfield neighborhood, it's usually overflowing with peeps jonesing for a side of black beans with their eggs.

It was kinda chilly, so we opted for the patio and were seated within 10 minutes. The menu is pretty extensive, even includes some "americano" breakfast options in case you are afraid of ethnic foods.

 

First things first. Coffee and mimosas as big as your head. Mom says: one and done.

This whole place is tagged up, yo.

 

Like mother, like daughter, we both ordered the Dia Y Noche. Simple, but oh so lovely. Eggs OE, rice, beans, plantains. Tough to get fresh plantains here, but these are totally decent. I could seriously eat this for every meal.

 

Dad got the Ranchero Cubano, which is basically Juevos Rancheros. 

He's stoked. Can you tell? Maybe the coffee hasn't kicked in yet...

Here's the cuban toast, which I wouldn't recommend. You pay extra and it's basically a white bun cut in half and fried. You're not fooling me, ese.

The inside is tagged up as well... adorned with xmas lights and various ephemera. Cozy.

There's a reason why this place is always busy... Weekday brunch is definitely easier to get a table, otherwise pack your lawn chair and your sharpie and practice your 3D lettering and Castro caricatures while you camp out in the lot. Yeah, Pat.