Champions **2/5 stars

I just recently read an article in the New York Times about living ironically and how it's not impressive. I had to check myself when I started to write this review. 

I've realized the only reason my friends and I go to Champions is because we think it's hilarious to stroll our skinny white butts into a dive bar on Lake Street that's mostly frequented by semi-retired pimps, drug dealers and thugs to just "see what happens." Cuz you know something is bound to happen. You could get asked to a movie by Darryl, who's in a wheelchair because he was shot six times. Or be told to "watch yo ass, Snowflake" by a diva who doesn't understand why you sang Duran Duran on soul train karaoke night. Or you might be propositioned by someone who wants to pay you $100 to suck on your toes. Yes, Champions is colorful, and we really don't have any business being there. That being said, let's get to the review.

As you can see, the place is pretty much falling apart. And while there is plenty of square footage here, I wouldn't recommend renting the "banquet rooms" for your next big event, unless that event is "my uncle just got out of prison."

This is the walkway between the bar and the "banquet" room. Needs some Mr. Clean.

I was enticed by the $2.50 bloody marys, but it's not like I can't afford them at regular price. They're actually pretty great. I'd compare them to Liquor Lyle's quality. Note to self: review Liquor Lyle's.

 The food is not exciting. Most of it comes from a deep fryer or a greasy griddle. 

 

Here's the french toast. Plain but totally adequate.

 

And the omelette with browns and ham...

 

And if your arteries are still free flowin', get yourself some chili cheese fries and some chicken tenders...

Look over yonder, it's a white castle!

Where's the security in this place???

Okay, despite all my criticisms I have to pay respect the regulars lining the bar; the bartender with her eyebrows drawn in dramatic arches; the bouncer in his inconspicuous t-shirt. Even though my spoiled white ass doesn't understand, this place means something to them. It's friends; it's family; it's refuge from the stress of everyday life. Who am I to judge? And why would I expect anything more than adequate here. Respect, Champions, respect.

Cafe Maude on Loring ***3/5 stars

Maude Armatage believed in civilized leisure, contrary to what I look for in a brunch spot, but I know better, because I've visited her southside sister and she's saucier than she lets on. So Nick and Eddy have left the building. Enter Maude. She's spiced the place up a little with some nice lighting, but nothing drastic...

Still this space is pretty epic, with its towering ceilings, fully wired sound system and seating for groups of 10+ (there's even a loft for special parties.) We hope that Maude can draw more attention than Nick and Eddy. One would assume.

I don't faint at the sight of Maude's brunch menu. The list is short and has some odd twists... nothing too enticing. The recommended bloody mary is made with gin. Don't get me started on snobby mixologists and gin. You can say it's better because it has more flavor than vodka, but sometimes, honey, you don't want to taste the stringent zest of coniferous bush, you just want something that blends nicely away into your tomato juice and starts to make you feel warm and foggy. It's a feeling, not a flavor. Although Maude sounds like a woman who would have crawled into her bathtub with a bottle.

The drink list is good, though. Don't get me wrong. And they'll make you a vodka bloody if you ask nicely. The bellini was bellissimo. There are more, fancier drinks. We just stuck to the basics.

So here's my benedict, and oh it was almost perfect, but the eggs were more hard than easy. That giant salad made me so happy. I think I am Vitamin D deficient lately. I am craving greens like a crazy person.

They douse their potatoes in goat cheese here. Interesting. Kinda chalky in texture, but good in flavor. You can opt out of the cheese bath if the funk isn't your jive. This is the mediterranean omelette...

This is the classic breakfast, but has the most elaborate plating...

And here's some pukey looking biscuits and eggs in a chickpea gravy. The word on this is "no beuno." But the eggs look perfect.

So otherwise people enjoyed their food. Then they bring you your checks in old books. Neat.

I'd say go to Maude for dinner instead of brunch. I've had some of the best dinners at the south location. And come on Thursday nights to hear great DJs spinning vinyl. The cocktails are expensive, but good and strong. Peace out from the bad eggs crew...thanks to Brandon for cutting off half the group.

Hot Plate ***2.5/5 stars

Sooo retro, huh? This southside estab. had been on my list for a while. I thought it was funny that Yelp listed the ambiance as "hipster." I mean, I guess they're not wrong, if kitsch = hipster. 

By kistch, I mean the entire place is laden with knick knacks and paint by number paintings. Which I found fascinating. The lighting is, as you can see, plentiful. Lots of retro lamps hanging from the ceiling. I admit I am in love with the decor. Does that make me a hipster? Fine. But as I have learned from my time on this earth, trying to hard to be different is still trying to hard. And ambiance is something, but it's not everything.

The menu also features some of the artwork that hangs on the walls... It's a pretty standard diner breakfast, which boasted the best pancakes..."not dense, light and fluffy."

 

That's my hipstamatic cappuccino photo. Nice that they have decaf espresso, as many diners stop at full-strength drip coffee.

The pancakes were light and fluffy. Really dang good. BUT not as good as Lowbrow!

I thought maybe it was a bad decision to get mexican breakfast at a traditional diner because this was not that great. Mostly because the egg was way undercooked. I also hate those deep fried potatoes. No sour cream, no avacado and the salsa burned my face off. Some like it that hot. I do not.

Here's the view from the back booth. Must be popular, cuz it was crowded. I'd probably go back and order scrambled eggs, bacon and pancakes. They also have cheap beer and wine and burgers on the menu, but they close at 2pm, so don't come for dinner. Now, I'm off to Ben Franklin in my tight black jeans to buy some paint-by-number and a latch-hook kits.

The Kenwood ****4.5/5 stars

The Kenwood is like that kind of perfect, adorable, well-behaved, over-achieving person that you want to punch in the face, but you don't, you can't, because you just have to admit, they are the best.

Let me explain. The only thing I don't like about the Kenwood is that the atmosphere is too wholesome! It's great for kids; it's great for parents; it's great for grandparents. And, it's even great for me and my alcoholic, foul-mouthed friends, but only when we're on our best behavior. Like Helen Hunt, The Kenwood makes me want to "be a better man." And I hate that. But I can't deny it.

I think that might be the girl from Ringu...water keeps dripping out of my camera...

The atmosphere is what most would consider warm and charming. The decor: English countryside. Plaids and woods and framed photos and rustic chandeliers. Not my bag, but again, I'm not proper like that. The chef and his team are all up front. You can get up close and personal at the bar...

For drinks, beer and wine will have to do. I mean, it's a tad unfortunate that they can't do a bloody mary, but for once, I have to say, the food here is the most important thing. It's so important. Chef Don Saunders (of In Season) is a golden god. Let's get to it...

So I've always hated, I mean, I do not care for biscuits and gravy. It's always some kind of vomity pile of chunky, beige, flavorless mess. This gravy is full of deliciously firm but tender mushrooms, sausage and herbs, paired with charred kale and two perfectly cooked over-easy eggs. Heaven. Any time a chef makes me change my mind about something, I am in awe.

Look at this gorgeous salmon benedict with dill hollandaise. Incredibly delicious, but almost more beautiful in presentation.

Huevos Rancheros. Again, beautiful presentation.

And the piste de resistance - steak and eggs. I mean, come on. You've got to be kidding me. I never in my life thought I would order steak and eggs again after a horrible experience at the CC club in my mid twenties. Again, my mind is blown. So tender and flavorful with carrots and potatoes in a red wine reduction... I died.

All in all, The Kenwood is a true inspiration. If you can manage to pull yourself together and look somewhat presentable, and navigate around Lake of the Isles without getting stuck on a one-way loop to nowhere (I highly recommend biking.) Your life will be changed for the better. Being good and eating good never felt so right.

Haute Dish ****4/5 stars

 

Haute Dish. Hearty, large portions of meaty, down home cooking with a modern twist...plus a haughty cocktail menu. It took me a long time to drag myself into the old Cafe Havana, which I loved so dearly. RIP, Cuban Martini. I stayed away from HD for months, mostly because the new marquee is just awful from a design perspective. And I loathe the sliced pig logo as well. Yes, bad design will keep me away from some of the best voted food in town. At some point, though, I did break down and fell in love with the bloody mary oyster shooters and the tater tot hot dish. Then I found out they were doing brunch and I was prepared to be thrilled.

So we went on the first Saturday they were serving brunch (previously only Sundays) which also happened to be my 30th birthday for the 5th time. I was joined by a lovely crew who rocked it out with me the night before at the Moose karaoke. Shout out to Jerry Beth for providing stellar karaoke service. I was expecting a crowd, but to my surprise we were the first group to arrive.

 

The breakfast cocktail menu is pretty great. Four dif bloodies, one with tequila and one with bourbon. And a giant bellini with raspberry vodka, peach puree, grand marnier and cava. Yow! 

I started with the tradish house bloody with the Chef's Skewer...an extra $3, but it comes with a chicken wing...what? That was probably the best chicken wing I've ever had! But the bloody wasn't that great. I should have gone for the one with tequila.

Al had a Bloodhound, a greyhound with campari...

So, let's get to the food, shall we? We've got some majorly meaty suspects, one sweet dish and one veggie. We were able to try a lot, since we had a big group. First is my dish, the Ropa Vieja (Old Clothes?) A mexicany hashy egg thingy that I loved, cuz I love their beef brisket, but the avocado was smashed into this weird rectangle and was frozen with ice crystals. I don't believe that was intentional, but it kinda bummed me out.

Then let's talk about Al's dish, the Rueben Benedict. Dam, dam, dammmmm, this was good. And I don't normally go for corned beef. The portion was ginormous.

Here's the veggie hash dish, also very large and tasty...

Blood sausage? Chef Chris C. on Top Chef Masters made blood sausage with poached oysters and sunny side eggs, which he said would be his choice for his last meal before dying. I say, add some oysters to this one and we'll talk...but Mr. Fox loved it.

Oh sweet Jesus, well, semi-sweet Jesus. These were a pretty lovely balance of sweet, tart fresh strawberries, salty brie and fluffy cakes.

 

Before I sat down to write this review, it was pretty solid in my head that Haute Dish was a 3.5 star place. My avocado was frozen and the atmosphere was kinda dark and drab. The service was also a bit sketchy. Just didn't live quite live up to my lofty expectations. But, then I looked at all the food again and realized, nope, it's a 4 fo sho. I'll leave you with this lovely, large and hearty piece of art in the foyer. Please, go to Haute Dish and bring your hunger and a big group so you can try everything. Peace, y'all.