Dixie's **2.75/5 stars

Thanks to the Strip Club being closed for a private party, I had to revert to Plan B for my final brunch of 2013. Aggg... the dreaded lunch buffet. It's never been my favorite, for several reasons...

Number 1: Cooked eggs do not age well. Scrambled is the only form that really likes to hang out in a warming pan and scrambled eggs are the vanilla ice cream of brunch.

Number 2: Catered meals remind me of my college dining service where the cereal was the only safe thing. And then when the flood victims moved in from the red river valley in the spring of 1997, they gave them all of the good sugary cereal. My Fruit Loops addiction was over.

Number 3: It's just too much damn food. Nobody, seriously nobody, needs to eat eggs, grits, fried chicken, bacon, sausage, cinnamon rolls, fruit plate and wash it down with a freaking chocolate fondue fountain before noon on a Sunday. I'm not even supposed to be out of bed before noon on a Sunday. But you advertise a Champagne brunch and somehow I just can't control myself.

So Dixie's (like Dixie Land, yeah you get the picture) is in the affluent intersection of Dale and Grand in St. Paul. This is the second time in two weeks that I've been to this distant sister city. I must be getting old... 

It's a large wood-paneled interior with dim lighting. I called for a reservation, but they lost it, so we got seated way back in the dark and depressing party room. They kept saying how lucky we were to be back there, with our own tv to watch the game. I don't care about football; where's my mimosa?

My lovely brunch crew. I adjusted the exposure in iPhoto.

Our server immediately offered the bottomless mimosa, of which we all partook. And she was good about refills. Coffee and other beverages are free as well, all for a mere $24. Bloody bar is only $3.50 per.

They do eggs benedict and omelettes to order. Smart, I thought, cuz they're way better fresh, but they took forever. Looks alright, but the hollandaise was a disaster.

Yeah, so there's all that stuff I mentioned earlier, eggs, potatoes, grits, breakfast meat, chicken, jumbalya, salad, fruit, rolls... But no waffles or cakes. Odd. I was contemplating a choice when Bridget reminded me, "It's a buffet, take it. If you don't want it, just ditch it and load up another plate. #4 thing I dislike about buffets. The wastefulness. Word is the fried chicken, cheesy grits and biscuits were the most tasty. I enjoyed the salad as well.

That's honey butter. Yow!

Fruit, bitch.

There's is a pile of mediocre desserts surrounding the fondue fountain. Looks pretty, though!

 The best thing was actually the rice krispy treats. 

So this place was way better than Al Vento, but still comes up as barely acceptable by my team of experts. I'm officially done with brunch buffets. New year's resolution. But if you drink 8 mimomsas, you've made it worth your while!

Happy brunching to all from Bad Eggs!

Umami ***3.3/5 stars

brunch  brənCH/  noun

1. a late morning meal eaten instead of breakfast and lunch.

Brunch, to me, has almost always meant traditional American breakfast fare: eggs, cakes, meats, breads, that sort of thing. Save for the occasional (most likely hormonal) morning cheeseburger craving, eggs are always on my mind. Well, by definition, brunch is simply a meal that replaces breakfast and lunch, so when Mark informed me that Travail's Umami was doing a dim sum brunch, I was like, hells yeah, let's do it.

My lovely crew of brunch-a-holics.

Nestled in a crappy little strip mall in North next to a little Caesars and a Dollar Store, Umami is nothing close to ordinary. This way...

The entrance is a partially dry-walled chalk board graffiti installation.

The inside is full of color and energy.  A long shared table occupies most of the space. Your check hangs from the ceiling above you. The kitchen is bright and open and full of sexy chefs (I'm serious, ladies and gays - there is some major man meat up in this place). Note: due to the nature of the dim sum dishes, it's best to go in pairs, bring someone with whom you won't mind sharing your dishes.

The first strange thing about this brunch is that they tried to incorporate traditional beverages like mimosas and bloodies, yet they do not have coffee. My mimosa didn't go well with my kimchi. Yeah, there's no better way to make your stomach scream WTF than shoveling a large bite of this rancid stuff into your mouth first thing in the morning. Yeah, I was not aware that the first small dishes laid before us were palette cleansers and garnishes, not starter salads. Dorothy, we are not in Kansas anymore...

And then we were saved by something familiar! Soft, salty ramen with pork belly and green onion egg thingy. I could eat this for breakfast every day if I had to.

The dishes, delivered by cart in true dim sum fashion, came slowly at first. We were hungry and slightly confused, slamming down our ramen and these little sausage rolls.

Then all of a sudden they were coming in droves... beef tenderlion, egg and avacado, chicken legs, and dumplings...

Then, this dude came out and carefully prepared fresh Hamachi spring rolls for us... Raw fish in the morning: another first.

So pretty.

There was more and more and more. Like this lovely bowl of roasted brussel sprouts with golden raisins.

And a shrimp egg cake thingy... Eggs! Yes!

We tasted many more dishes, but let's get to the dessert, which I deemed the best part. I was craving some sweetness after that mass slaughter of savory. They delivered: house made ginger ice cream in a waffle cone with a variety of toppings, like marshmallow, which they toasted at the table.

OH, and there was cookie dough in the bottom. Score.

Don't drop acid before you come here.

So, to "sum" it all up, *groan*, dim sum in the morning is not my idea of breakfast or brunch. My stomach was not happy for a good portion of the day. Others in my group LOVED it and gave it 4+ stars (we average out at 3.3), but I'd say save Umami for dinner. It's the same menu. Super fun, adventurous food in a super fun, adventurous place, if you're brave enough to traverse west broadway at night for a mouth full of kimchi. Go get sum.

Liquor Lyles **2/5 stars

I don't know. This is the worst rating I've ever given and it just doesn't seem right, because Lyle's is so dear to my heart. But they effed up my bacon and I'm pissed.

So why do we love Lyle's? Is it the fantastic sparkly red booths? The colorful clientelle? The smell of stale beer and bleach in the morning? 

NO! IT'S THE MUTHA EFFIN TWO FOR ONES! Dos por uno! All day long, son. Well, almost. I think they take a break between 6 and 9pm due to MPLS city law. Offering 2'fers all day would just ruin society. These bloodies are Worcestershire-laden legends. They tell the story of brunches past when we would roll in at noon and roll out at 4pm with squinty eyes and fuzzy brains. Yes, Lyle's can be a trap. And by trap, I mean a magical place where time stands still and the drinks keep on comin.

Even though I don't really want to, let's talk about the breakfast food. This is about as basic as it gets. Pick a meat to go with your eggs and call it a day. The potatoes obrien are good enough that they almost make up for the fact that they're not hashbrowns. AND your breakfast entree comes with, you guessed it, a breakfast beverage of your choice. 

You can't tell from the photo, but that bacon was WAY over done. Criminal.

Nicki got the quesadilla. Exciting, I know...

Let's have another round!

 

3 drinks + some crusty bacon = $12.58. Not bad.

One of these cold winter days, hole up at Lyle's and forget life for a while. That's an order.

Longfellow Grill ***3/5 stars

Oh, good morning! Yeah, it's morning somewhere, you jerk. Welcome to Longfellow Grill, a place where weekdays are tolerable, because happy hour starts at 8am.

Still, there's something odd about this place that I can't put my finger on. It might be the overtly family-friendly atmosphere. Kinda feels like a classier version of Perkins. Don't get me wrong. I'm completely okay with that. Perkins 2 Eggs Combo breakfast platter has a special place in my heart. A special drunken college kid at 3am kind of place. Followed closely by Bitchen Kitchen's Denver Omelette.

This might be my first Bad Eggs brunch that happened on a Friday morning. And what a glorious morning it was. I was escorted by Nicki squared, which was cool cuz "other" Nicky hustles plates there on a semi-regular basis.

Cheers-ing to happy hour.

AWESOME bloody

The menu is pretty substantial...hashes, omelettes, frittatas, benny's, mexican stuff and sweet stuff. No Chicken Fried Steak, but whaddarya gonna do? I'd love to tell you we tried everything, but since the wonder twins ordered the same thing, you get to hear about two dishes. The Famer's breakfast...which is basic: hashbrowns, scrambies, Tilamook and caramelized onions.

And the meatloaf hash. Meat and loaf are two words I typically don't like to put together, but when married with two over easy and smothered with hollandaise, magic happens.

Surprise! Pumpkin waffles Brunchitizer™! Oh, look, there's some bacon, too!

The conversation turned to plans for the evening. Rumor was that Prince was hosting a PJ party at Paisely. We ordered another screw driver and looked up his new video online. Terrible. But it's Prince, so we forgive him. Later we would discover the trials and tribulations of a 5am Prince concert. Breakfast can wait, and so can all y'all bitches! I'm getting too old for that sh*t, but it was pretty awesome.

Prince is looking more like a teenage girl every day.

 I'll take you out with a couple more...

The spaceous patio.

The award wall.

Dickhead.