Grumpy's Downtown ***2.5/5 stars

I was not particularly excited for brunch this morning. I had expected the bar would smell like bleach and that stank of sour beer that you just can't wash out of a place with so much history. I was afraid that the smell might interfere with my ability to swallow some greasy, deep-fried bar breakfast. Hey, I'm not knocking dive bar breakfast, but you definitely have to be in the mood for it. I wasn't. But my friend Matt was waiting for me to review his favorite neighborhood haunt. And I am a man of my word.

We enter through the back, and before I know what's happened, I've been wrapped in a dark, warm, blanket surrounded by neon signs and a shrine of liquor bottles. No olfactory offense. All my reservations fade away. I am home.

First things first. Bloody marys. Patty makes the bomb bloody mary. Spicy, salty, sour...save your life kind of stuff. He uses brine from his very own pickled bean recipe. NOTE - They don't serve these at NE Grumpy's. Downtown only.

 

This menu is really not f-ing around. Hungry, burly men (and women) come here to get down. Specifically to get down six pancakes, six sausages and 6oz. of maple syrup if you order the #666. I modified it to a #333. The menu is otherwise pretty heavily influenced by the southwest and mexico. Breakfast Nachos being one of the items that gave me a good chuckle, as well as the Breakfast Skins - yup it's potato skins with eggs in them. Come on, this is soooo what I expected from this place!

Professionally lit by DP's Flashlight Ap

I feel like I've let down the proud women that came before me and conqured this full meal. But it's damn tasty. The pancakes were a little under-done in spots, but who the hell cares? Not me. I've moved on to the champagne of beers and orange juice. Ladies and gentle men: the beermosa.

The Chilango, which we lovingly refer to as Chilango Unchained, is chorizo, eggs, peppers and all that jazz. "Straight out of Mexico City. Kind of." You can get it veggie style with some really great faux sausage. Grumpy actually accommodates meatless meals. Impressive.

This gut bomb is the Carnivore's burrito. "Stuffed with meat, meat and more meat, tots, eggs and cheese. We'll even put some grapes on the plate." 
Well, shit!

Professionally lit by Matt Sharma's Flashlight Ap

And, of course, the Breakfast Quesadilla. A denver omelett served in a tortilla. So brill.

I can't believe it. I never thought in a million years that this grungy, mpls downtown staple with no more than adequate bar food could win my brunch love. Thanks to Patty the bartender, Al, DP, and B for providing sweet company. And thanks, especially, to "Metal" Matt Sharma for proving that Grumpy's is my happy place.

Cafeteria (and support group) **2/5 stars

Is Uptown cool anymore? Some of you might be scoffing at the fact that I even asked that question. Okay, so my over-30, inner-city-dwelling self just can't identify with the Uptown scene these days. I mean, the Calhoun Square sector, specifically. The fact of the matter is, Figlio's gone, the Uptown bar is gone, Sushi Tango switched sides and nothing makes sense anymore. The heart of Uptown has been over-ridden with suburban tourists and kids who think Jagermeister is a fine liquor.

D-Bag T-shirt in Cooper Black

Now let's talk about what we came here to talk about. Poised in the middle of what I lovingly refer to as D-Bag central, sits Cafeteria. A sort of plasticy/mod diner, kinda Jetsons futuristic, but all in all a very confusing theme. Can I say I was somewhat disappointed that this place is actually nothing like a cafeteria. You don't order from a line, you don't eat off of plastic plates, and the lunch lady doesn't give you the evil eye stare-down from behind the counter. And what the crap does "support group" mean? I really don't want to feel like I'm going to an AA meeting the morning after, when I should probably be going to an AA meeting.

The plates on the wall are pretty cool. But they do give me bad flashbacks to the High School cafeteria...and the many ways you can re-use and re-combine hot dogs, ground beef and tater tots to make "new" meals.

 

So the menu isn't bad. Pretty standard breakfast and lunch items. I don't see "Italian Dunkers" or "Mr. Rib on bun".

Mrs. Butterworth's says, "Stop staring at the manly cheerleader on the menu. She's taken."

 Probably the best thing about this place is the bloody bar...

 

Hello darkness, my old friend.

 

Brunchetizer™ banana bread.  Second best thing about this place. Good thing we ordered it, too, because our food took an hour to arrive. We passed the time enduring a variety of light-rock classics. Hotel California before noon on a Sunday? Click, click, boom.

 

She barely got that bread down...buck up, Nicole! "Today's Tom Sawyer, he gets high on you..."

The food, when it finally arrived, thank jesus, did not taste like government-subsidized garbage. It was, however, less than warm, but we needed carbs to revive our spirit, so we dug in. 

This was called the hangover cure or something like that. If Trevor had as many "creative" after-midnight-Jennifer's birthday shots as I did, he needed this...

 

Jen, freak of nature that she is, gets up at 6 the morning after her birthday. So she went for the tuna melt on "homemade" cheddar biscuits. The tuna had a crap ton of mayo in it, which turned me off.

 

This is the Norwegian benedict with salmon and spinach. Pretty, but cold, like Megan Fox.

 

 

And the mexi breakfast, chilaquiles. I'd had this here another time and it was way better and way warmer. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone I've been here more than once...

 

I know I'm old and crabby, but I don't like cold breakfast or slow breakfast or breakfast in a place that confuses me. But we put on our best duck face and made the best of it. Maybe partying will help?

 

The Birchwood Cafe ***2.75/5 stars

Buried in the neighborhoods of east MPLS, the Birchwood draws a constant crowd. If you're like me, you dread foraging the depths of continuous stop signs and pedestrians as you travel east and come closer to the ever impending doom of St. Paul. But I have to admit, this side of town is pretty swell. With the river right there and everything...all those ambitious middle-aged folk on the trails, proudly wearing their spandex, working hard for their lattes and organic eggs. (The bike ride here from the mid-west is pretty awesome. Mostly greenway.)

So this is the inside. It's stand-in-line-and-order-from-a-board style. So, if the line isn't long enough, you might find yourself in panic, trying to figure out if the chalkboard artist had too much coffee that morning...and what the hell business tofu and pickled radish have inside a scramble. Okay, okay. They have printed menus and I do appreciate their inventive dishes, but if you're not okay with fish or tofu or sheep's milk, this might not be your best best for brunch.

Oh, but they do make things with sugar and cream cheese. This coffee cake Brunchitizer™ was killer. 

And they do have mimosas...cheers!

This is the basic scramble and potatoes. Nicki was totally bored with it. But she's afraid of organic things. And true love. (The potatoes had some good flavor.)

I got the quiche. Apple and blue cheese and some other junk. Not my fave, but satisfactory. xxoo salad for breakfast.

Here's that weirdo scramble with pickled radish and fennel and crap. My nerd boyfriend loved it. He's clearly on drugs...

Okay, so I've been kinda negativo, but really I do enjoy the Birchwood. The atmosphere is warm and inviting. The service was great, thanks to Rick for getting us settled. And I felt pretty healthy when I walked out the door. I do also respect the consciousness that the Birchwood inspires with their food. We should know and appreciate where it comes from.

Namaste.

Don't ask.

Scusi ***3.5/5 stars

 

So somehow I got drug out to St. Paul again. Luckily it was worth the trip cuz Scusi is super adorbs. I found out that these guys are part of the Blue Plate club, who also owns the Lowry, whom I awarded 4 stars last year. 

Scusi isn't far from Mcalester University. Being poor white trash, I am not familiar with all of the fancy colleges of this area. Luckily Brandon was able to clue me in on a few important aspects. One, is that the school is EXTREMELY liberal. I asked if that meant that it was a bunch of ultimate frisbee playing hippies. He said, no, I think it's a bunch of lesbians. Okay, then.

So the dining room is very classic Italian atmosphere. Nice lighting, checkered table cloths, butcher paper and crayons for the kiddos. Our server was easy on the eyes, if you're into dudes. He gracefully fulfilled our wishes for coffee, eggs and copious amounts of champagne and fresh-squeezed OJ.

The menu here is pretty great. Lots of standard Italian fare mixed in with some great brunch options that I never saw on the menu when we were in Italy. I don't function on croissants and espresso. Some of you might fight me on that one, but I stand firm. Eggs are king. And mimosas are queen.

There's no hard booze here. The Bloody Mary, apparently, was invented at a New York bar in France. Or was it a French bar in New York???

Brunchitizer™!!!! These were donuts with Masala soaked cherries, chocolate and cream. I'll just leave it at that...

Lobsta and eggs with the most beautiful brioche. Somehow I had come to believe that brioche was some nasty crustless, dense, white bread. Well, maybe this wasn't real brioche, but it was fantastic.

Spinach and ham omelette. Those potatoes will make you slap your mama.

Here's your classic eggs, bacon, toast brekky with homemade jam. I kinda want to punch myself every time I use the term "brekky"... I'll have to reconsider that one...

And the number one reason we were lured to the netherlands = eggs benny with risotto cakes, arugula and a tomato reduction. Bellissimo!!!!!

So the coffee had some grounds floating in it, the dishes took a little longer than normal, but all in all, I would say this place is worth the long distance travel. Just watch out for the crazy liberals from Mcalester... You might come back to MPLS with a conga drum and a women's studies minor. #MattSharma

Blackbird Cafe ***3.5/5 stars

This review on Blackbird has been a long time coming. And they're lucky that I waited, because there are a few major things that bug me about this place. I've been to Blackbird several times for brunch and dinner and have walked away on more than one occasion with a bone to pick. But there are always redeeming qualities, and after my last visit, the bird is alive and well.

The first chalk-up to Blackbird is the killer interior design. Beautiful corner location with large windows, high ceilings and funky found items arranged neatly on the walls. Feels warm, inviting, energetic. And a literal chalk-up to the chalkboard menus. Love.

Second "ching" is the graphic design. The logo, the signage, the menus...Super fab. Good morning.

Bone #1. In a neighborhood where you mostly expect to find tacos, enchiladas and cervezas on the menu, BB apparently has something against black beans. While they serve several Mexican-inspired dishes, not one includes my most favorite breakfast accompaniment aside from mixed greens. Donde esta frijoles? This is a huge nicht nicht in my book... Sorry, my high school didn't have a Spanish teacher, so I took German, which I will probably never use for any real purpose other than to drunkenly sing German folk songs with my sister at stateside Octoberfests, and in cases like this, where my Ganglish overrides my Spanglish.

Oh fer cute. Each table is personalized with mid-western flair. The lamps really enhance the lighting scheme...and the tabasco.

The mimosas here are great. I know it doesn't seem like it should take a mixologist to make one, but these are good, and priced right @ $5 per. (FYI, beer and wine only...sigh.) Those are the swedish pancakes with cranberrys and currents. They were the special and they were magically delicious. BB usually has great daily specials with fresh and/or local ingredients. Bone #2 - prices here are more on the fat side of the wallet.

This is the Oxtail Hash. A staple favorite.

This was another special - corned beef hash with brussel sprouts. Dang good.

Now I have to say I'm an idiot, because I got the veal sweetbreads benedict and forgot to take a photo! It may sound adventurous to many, but I assure you, it was really tasty. The sweetbreads were crisp and salty and complimented the dish amazingly.

Mirror wall. I wonder if that is good feng shui? Google check: Yes, mirrors bring energy into a room. But don't face two mirrors or you'll get trapped in a vortex...or something like that.

Shout out to my dad, Rick, shed hunter extraordinaire, who would love all the antlers in this place. This rack above the dining room is very impressive.

So yeah, Blackbird is pretty great, despite their bean racism and lack of hard liquor. Put on your fancy pj pants and hit it up!

Tschüss bis spater!

Bad Eggs 2012 in Review

As 2012 is quickly slipping out the back door, I am sitting here, pondering my biggest successes and failures. One of my goals this year was to start a blog about brunch. Success! It's been great fun stuffing my face with huevos and sharing it with all y'all. I did, however, fail at making out with Ryan Gosling. I remain positive that this goal with some day come to fruition. You can achieve anything you put your mind to, kids! So, as an end-o-year tribute to my favorite MPLS brunches and my biggest failures of 2012, here's my top five favorite dishes...that I would love to eat off of Ryan Gosling's abs:

#5. Eat Street Social - Lobster & Eggs

Pretty much the best combination ever invented...sweet and tender lobster folded into soft scrambled eggs on a buttery croissant with a beautiful, simple green salad. Wash it down with one of their awesome bloody marys or the salty dog (grapefruit, vodka and bitters). Freaking awesome. 

#4. Lucky's 13 - Walleye Benedict

So, yeah, it's in the burbs. But I swear this is the best benny in the tri-county area. Beautifully fried walleye with perfectly poached eggs on light, fluffy corn cakes. Bam.

#3. The Lowry - Shirred Eggs

Eggs, ham, mushrooms, swiss, truffle, cream... Heaven isn't too far away...

#2. Lowbrow - Blueberry Buttermilk Pancakes

The best cakes in town. For sure. Super light, fluffy, buttery. Awesome. Get a little can of Sophia to add to your O.J. and call it a day.

#1. The Kenwood - Steak & Eggs

I'll never look at steak and eggs the same way again. I'd might choose this meal over Ryan Gosling. Now THAT is some seriously good breakfast.

Best wishes for the new year. May all your poached eggs be runny, your hashbrowns crispy and your mimosas 75/25.

Peace.